Issue 5: Drowning in November Mud

The inescapable decay of resentment and rotting leaves.

Welcome to The Bluebird Paradox, a gritty MicroZine written by me, Chris Sadhill, that explores the coexistence of light and darkness, focusing on social issues and the human experiences we often overlook, presented through various short stories, poetry, and other creative arts.

The Bluebird pays homage to Charles Bukowski’s poem Bluebird, which delves into themes of vulnerability, repression, and the struggle to express oneself authentically.

Often, the Bluebird symbolizes hope, love, positivity, and renewal; however, throughout my life, I’ve observed the presence of darkness where there is light, leading me to believe in a paradoxical relationship between the two.

The Bluebird Paradox embraces the inherent contradictions and complexities of our existence and seeks to reveal deeper truths about society, emotions, and the human experience.

As always, thank you for being here. Please enjoy the read.

Photo by Fillipe Gomes

Too often, our minds become the battlefield for good and evil, quickly turning into ground zero for self-sabotage. It’s a brain parasite, eating away our resilience like piranhas. This illusion of love and self-hate creates an abomination resembling a snake eating its tail—except there’s no rebirth, just the recurrence of resentment and regret. We feast on indulgence and self-deception, lying to our reflection, knowing that this cycle is poisonous. It’s perpetual and agonizing, yet we keep making these revolutions, revisiting the barren wasteland of false hopes, and returning home with nothing but destruction and toxicity, assuming we’ll achieve a different outcome. So, here we are again, ending where we started, in a place that feels uncomfortably familiar—lapping infinity.

Some of us love playing the same song on repeat because it’s our anthem, our identity, all we know. But deep inside, we each want something more, never realizing it’s the bumpy road making the disc jump, forcing the song to skip and restart repeatedly. Most refuse to drive the smooth roads because the back ones are just too much fun.

We normalize this behavior. We place ourselves in invisible handcuffs, choosing to be burdened by our magnetism to what feels good in the moment, not what’s better in the long run. It’s the immediacy of pleasure, the dopamine rush we get high on, that consumes us—until regret hits. Then it’s hell. Then it’s darkness and depression.

We do this to ourselves. We do it in relationships, to each other, to our environments, and to our children. We’d rather sabotage our potential for greatness—or someone else’s—than face the steep road to improvement, or to get out of an iffy situation.

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Self-Sabotage is a cold-hearted bitch. I know her intimately. She’s whispered in my ear more times than I can count, offering pleasure, promising I’ll forget the pain, the stress, and all my problems if I just give in a little. Her warm breath is always too seductive to turn away.

As I write this, I’m considering which dessert I want to plow into my face tonight, and strategizing how to talk my wife into picking it up on the way home! It’s a sickness, and it’s fucking disgusting. I’m a crack addict, except my white rocks are sugar cubes. I mean, who doesn’t love sweets? Who wouldn’t want to hang their gaping mouth under a soft-serve machine, pull the lever, and go fucking wild? It’s a problem that can easily spiral out of control—and the irony is, control is all I want.

My personality seeks addiction. I yearn for anything to relieve life’s burdens, to help me cope with unresolved mental health, to forget my stress and anxiety, even for a moment. Sex, porn, drugs, cigarettes, food, gaming, and even the pitiful act of attention seeking—all addictions, all ways I’ve tried to gain control over my internal chaos. There have always been issues—dating back to kindergarten when I was court-ordered to visit my father in jail. I know it, I despise it, but I still give in. The urges are overpowering most of the time. Maybe it’s OCD? Maybe ADHD? Maybe it’s simply an excuse. I don’t know. Regardless, my mind won’t stop until I give in. It’s a ceaseless war that I’ve only recently started winning.

For the past few years have I been slowly beating the house.

I quit smoking over fifty times before actually succeeding just over four years ago. Three times I quit for a few months, getting past the worst parts, only to convince myself I was too stressed and needed a smoke. I believed I could have just one and I’d be ok. As I said, the bitch got me every time. There is always a reason that seems too desirable, or too real, not to turn down. A feening addict will justify anything to get their fix.

I’m still fighting my vices, tackling one thing at a time, replacing the bad with the good—like writing, gardening, hiking, photography, or any activities that still give me that hit I need, but aren’t harmful to my health or instead improve it. I’ve even replaced negative people with supportive ones. I recommend others do the same.

But remember to avoid taking on everything at once—you’re likely setting yourself up to become overwhelmed, which is sabotage disguised as self-improvement. You may think it’ll work. For most, it won’t.

Whether you undermine your success as I’ve mentioned or keep rolling the dice in a dead-end relationship, knowing and accepting you have a problem is the first step. You have to come face-to-face with the wolf. Be honest with yourself, embrace humility, and get comfortable with regular failure to succeed. If you don’t, you’ll keep devouring yourself until there’s nothing left.

Understand it’s a numbers game—the odds favor relapse. Embrace the process and never look back. It may be comforting to know others are struggling daily too.

You are not alone.

You can do it. Never think you can’t.

If you keep circling and want out, all it takes is a slight change in direction, and you won’t be able to complete the loop anymore. Consider a 1% change daily. In less than a year, you could make a drastic improvement.

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This month’s theme is inspired by a new poem I wrote in 2024, titled Perennial, for an open-ended creative writing prompt: “How I Feel Autumn's Ache—Virginia Woolf.” If you’ve ever suppressed your progress, in any way, this poem is for you, and for those who have gone round and round with a toxic loved one and could never seem to escape, this is also for you. There are many interpretations you can find in this piece, beyond my original intent. Ultimately, this month, self-sabotage takes center stage.

I’m thrilled to have been selected as an honorable mention.

perennial


This thing we do
revolves the sun;
it spirals inward
until we surrender ourselves
onto the bistered famished soil—
an amber helix
of resentment and rotting leaves,
overcast and acid rain.

Our backs boil
as we drown in November mud,
foreboding the inescapable decay.

And then the congeal of a white sea,
And then the lust of Lavandula,
And then the sweat of June beetles fucking,

And then,

the tipping point of the equinox
where we revisit repugnance.



©2024 Chris Sadhill

Sadhill’s Music Minute

“YO! MY SAINT” by Karen O (feat. Michael Kiwanuka) is not your typical ballad. Every line hits with an emotional punch that contributes to a much larger story—one that feels all too familiar.

Michael starts the song with a soulful, raspy tone, grounding us in his emotional need to reconnect with a former lover while constantly being reminded of her. In contrast, Karen’s response carries a detached attitude, reflecting years of resentment and perhaps the feeling of being trapped by his love or control over her life.

There’s an obvious push and pull in both the writing and the interplay between Karen and Michael’s voices, adding layers to the storytelling and creating a multi-dimensional listening experience. The tempo changes, overlapping vocals, and artful transitions truly enhance the overall vibe.

As the song progresses, the two singers perfectly capture the angst experienced during the ebb and flow of a relationship, even hinting at what comes after it ends. Spoiler alert: more suffering. The song expertly highlights the complexity of love and heartache.

I will always find an excuse to revisit my filmmaking roots, and I found the collaboration between music and film in this project astounding. I was blown away when I learned that "YO! MY SAINT" was originally composed for a short film of the same name, produced to promote Kenzo’s 2018 spring campaign. What a concept!

I highly recommend watching the entire short film, which I’ve featured below. It’s incredibly well done.

"YO! MY SAINT" won Best Music at the Fashion Film Festival Milano in 2018.

Sadhill News

• Since my last issue, I’ve taken on a library job. Now, I’m swimming in a sea of books and loving it. However, between that and a few fall outdoor projects, I’ve slowed down working on my larger writing pieces while adjusting to the new schedule. I’ve still been writing, though, focusing on shorter pieces and submitting poems and short stories to challenges on theprose.com. So far, I’ve won one and received honorable mentions in a couple of others.

• My story, Cardinal Sin, placed 9th overall in the “Twist in the Tale” weekly side quest challenge. That was a fun one to write.

• By the time this issue drops, I will have already submitted my entry for the Autumn Short Story contest and started judging my fellow writers’ 2000-word stories. It’s always a wild experience, but this time it feels more significant—being my battle-versary with Writing Battle! I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. Good luck to everyone competing.

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Publications

I received one response since the last issue and it’s a huge bummer:

Seaside Gothic: Not selected for publication.

I really thought my poem would fit right in with their ocean vibe, but it didn’t—at least not for their next issue. It’s a little depressing, but that’s the game I chose to play. I’m a writer.

I remain hopeful that last year’s prize-winning poem, The Current, will find a home soon.

Wish me luck! It seems like I need it.

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Upcoming Events & Contests:

2024 Autumn Short Story Battle Writing Battle: Oct 20th- Oct 27th

2024 Twisted Tournament # 2: Nov 11th-Nov 17th

2024 Writers Playground: Next Date Unknown

September’s Challenge Winner

Thank you, everyone, for submitting to last month's challenge! I had a record number of entries, and I hope this momentum continues. To recap, the prompt was an "Open Call: Any theme. Any genre."

Congratulations to Lincoln McAlister for the win!

His winning entry is a short poem that captures the duality of creation and destruction, beauty and hardship, and love and loss—a profound reflection on the human experience.

Photo by Kamyar Dehghan

My Hands Have Held the Axe

By Lincoln McAlister

My hands have held the axe, the gun and the knife.

My hands have held the wild bird, the turtle and the pup.

My hands have held the book, the pen and the paper.

My hands have held the girl I loved at the temple of her.

My eyes have seen the ocean, the mountain and the field.

My eyes have seen the sunset, the crescent moon and the star.

My hands have made fists, built things of steel and hammered.

My hands have cut great stalks of sunflowers tree and seed.

My hands have healed, loved and shook.

My eyes have seen the fallen, the mighty and the brave.

My eyes have seen the beautiful the ugly and the insane.

And in one moment I loved it all.

Lincoln McAlister did not share any social links or branding information. I thank him for sharing this wonderful poem and wish him luck with writing.

Sadhill Writing Challenge (500 Words)

Each month I provide a Writing prompt encouraging fellow writers to stay sharp, compete in friendly competition, and challenge them to push past their creative boundaries. The winning piece will be featured in next month’s issue as well as any links the winner wants to share to promote their brand.

This month there are three (3) options to choose from:

October Prompts: “Season of Decay, Amber Helix, or Repugnance”

Rules:

• Any style of Prose or Poetry is accepted.

• Must be five hundred (500) words or less.

• Only one (1) entry per writer per monthly contest.

• Reprints and Simultaneous Submissions are encouraged.

• This month’s deadline is 11:59 PM or by the end of Friday, November 22nd, 2024 to allow time for final edits.

• You must be subscribed to The Bluebird Paradox to enter this challenge.

• Your entry does not have to include the prompt word or phrase but must have the essence of the meaning captured. Metaphor and obscurity are encouraged and finding something beautiful in the darkness is even better.

• If it is an “Open Call” all themes or genres are encouraged.

• All entries must be sent to: ChrisSadhill@gmail.com. Please use the Subject Line: Sadhill Writing Challenge (Include the Month). You may paste the story directly in the body of the email or attach a file. Please include any promotional links you would like to advertise.

• This is an opportunity to showcase your talent and work while cross-promoting your brand with mine. In the future, there may be prizes awarded, but for now, there are none. I’m poor, damnit. If you have any donations, such as books or merch you’d like to donate for promotional giveaways, email me and I will spread the word in my next issue!

• By entering, you agree for your work to be published in my MicroZine for no less than one (1) month and if chosen as the winner it will be included as content on my Substack.

• You retain all rights to your work and upon request, I’ll gladly remove it for any reason following the featured month of publication. In the event of removal, the story title and name will remain listed along with any links to your new piece’s home, if you would like.

Good Luck. See you next month!

…and please leave a comment. I love hearing from you.