Issue 4: The Insincerity of Magic Mirrors

Being the fairest is for pussies living in fairy tales.

Welcome to The Bluebird Paradox, a gritty MicroZine written by me, Chris Sadhill, that explores the coexistence of light and darkness, focusing on social issues and the human experiences we often overlook, presented through various short stories, poetry, and other creative arts.

The Bluebird pays homage to Charles Bukowski’s poem Bluebird, which delves into themes of vulnerability, repression, and the struggle to express oneself authentically.

Often, the Bluebird symbolizes hope, love, positivity, and renewal; however, throughout my life, I’ve observed the presence of darkness where there is light, leading me to believe in a paradoxical relationship between the two.

The Bluebird Paradox embraces the inherent contradictions and complexities of our existence and seeks to reveal deeper truths about society, emotions, and the human experience.

As always, thank you for being here. Please enjoy the read.

Photo by Kirill Seleznev

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you take the time to really look at yourself? To spend a meaningful moment with yourself?

What do you see?

Is it beauty, success, greatness—a future best-selling novelist? Or do you see a monster: unhappy, fearful, a failure? Perhaps a procrastinator, a fraud, a “fatty” undeserving of love and praise, or something else. Maybe it’s a bit of everything.

Maybe you see nothing at all.

And when I say look, I mean peering through those dazed pupils deep into your soul, having an unspoken conversation with yourself. A head check. A state of the YOU-nion with your subconscious.

Be honest. What do you see?

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I rarely look at myself, but when I do, I see a stranger in the room—a blur. An imposter wearing my face as a mask. It’s discouraging because I know it’s me, but I can’t help picturing every failure I’ve ever made and all the flaws I still retain. Then I notice the age, the creases, and the greying hair—reminders that I’ve wasted too much of my youth trying to reinvent myself and start over. I’ve been believing my lies, avoiding the man in the mirror for far too long, trying to survive, please others, and feed my ego. But where did that get me? Older, somewhat bitter, and not any further along than when I was twenty-two.

Sure, maybe I’m too hard on myself and have too high expectations, but as I learn to be more accountable, it’s difficult not to muster up a little self-loathing for what stares back at me.

I limit my tears to once per year, in secrecy. How awful—a grown man, ugly-crying at his reflection, flooding his face with moisture and snot like a fool. I could avoid it if I just did what I said I would, but every year I believe my hopeful lies, and I return to the mirror, underwhelmed.

And just as quickly as it started, it’s over. I exit stage left and flip the bathroom light switch off until next time.

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We like believing pretty little lies to motivate ourselves, to fake it ‘til we make it, but that only gets us so far. If you’re like me, that means well into your thirties. Sure, a few found success using that approach, but deep down, you know it’s unlikely—and it’s bullshit. Eventually, you’ll be outed, forced to face yourself—to see yourself for who you really are. Hopefully, before they see you for who you are.

That’s the worst fear, right? To be inadequate, vulnerable, and honest—to be flawed among your peers?

How painful authenticity must be. It’s not worth the risk, we think, so we never try. But when they find out, and they certainly will find out, what will you do then? Stack on more lies? Change your identity again? Climb into a cave and vow to find yourself in your forties?

You’ve got time, right?

But we like the lies, don’t we? We love trusting the empty promises we make to ourselves to avoid the responsibility of actually accomplishing what we want or becoming who we want. It’s easier that way—thinking progress is being made simply by stating you plan to do something. There’s action in those words. There’s decisiveness. But they are merely words, and the reality is that all you’re left with is stagnant air. We’re disillusioned enough to keep wanting things while avoiding what it takes to achieve them.

Discipline. Commitment. Accountability. Perseverance.

You know what it takes.

Doing the right thing is hard, and it often seems impossible. But what is the right thing, and how do you know if you're actually doing it? Is it because we're constantly doing the wrong things or seeking things for the wrong reasons that it feels unattainable? Perhaps we’re misaligned with the universe or ourselves. Conversely, if we found the right thing, would we know instantly, and our path would become clear and achievable?

How should one help themselves when they’re unsure of who they are or are lost venturing down a new path, chasing what they think is right?

The right thing is not what society dictates we should do, or the politically correct thing. It’s what feels right in your soul. It’s unique to you and customized to your needs. It’s chasing that thing you’ve always wanted—that goal, or desire to become a better version of yourself. It’s the pursuit of happiness despite the backlash of what people may think, your earning potential, or the accolades that may come from it.

It’s the permission to be authentic—the thing you’re most afraid to become because it means that you’d be operating outside the rules, and it’s almost certain you’d be in limited company or alone.

It’s a raw and unfiltered you, without fear of rejection, doubt, or regret because, at the end of the day, it’s your life you must live. Fuck everything else.

Once we realize we’re responsible for ourselves and there’s no magic mirror telling us what we want to hear, the path becomes clearer. It’s the first step toward true happiness and when real progress can begin.

Maybe then, during the next annual meeting in the mirror, we can be a little more forgiving and a lot more loving toward ourselves. I know I can benefit from more self-love.

And perhaps next year, instead of tears, you catch the faint beginnings of a smile.

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This month’s theme is inspired by a poem I wrote in 2023, titled Being the Fairest is For Pussies. It was originally meant to be included in a book I was developing called The Trailer Park—a collection of poetry and prose that explored various influences from my life. The book has since been dismantled.

I wrote Being the Fairest is For Pussies after looking at myself in the mirror one June morning. There was no prompt, no deadline—just vibes, stream-of-consciousness, and a flood of regret. It rained more than usual that day.

Sure, the title is abrasive, but that’s my style, and it’s why you’re here—for the daring honesty, right?

Life can be overwhelming most of the time, and every once in a while, it stares you down, forcing you to either surrender or take a fighting stance. Either way, it’s a game of chicken, and life always wins because it doesn’t have to react—you do. Just make sure your reaction benefits you in some way.

Remember, you get in return what you give yourself, and what you give yourself is a reflection—a mirrored perspective.

"Being the Fairest is for Pussies"

Magic mirrors
only exist in fairytales.
Here,
there’s no wisdom hidden within the glass,
or insincerity.
Yet I still stare,
waiting for something miraculous
to reveal itself;

it never does.

The person
glaring back
is just as fucked up,
as scared,
and as confused
about the future
as I am.

I say,
fuck that guy.

He’s no help to me either.


©2023 Chris Sadhill

Sadhill’s Music Minute

“Warm Shadow” by Fink explores the duality of wanting to live in the moment while yearning for something more—an internal purgatory of desiring change but refusing to open your eyes to see it.

As the song begins, you’re immediately hypnotized by a pair of guitars inviting you into a trance-like state. By the time Fin’s unique voice delivers the first line, you’re drawn into an introspective experience that leaves you paralyzed.

The uplifting rhythm contributes to the song’s “warm” feeling, allowing listeners to find comfort in the repetition. The vibe encourages a sense that change is on the horizon, but the hypnosis keeps you grounded, creating a physical embodiment of the implied theme.

The message in this song opens a conversation with the self and challenges your beliefs, tying in perfectly with this week’s theme of disillusionment—the turmoil of holding on to what you have while struggling to pursue what you want and the inaction that results.

“Warm Shadow” was featured in 2013 in “Walking Dead” Season 3 Episode 13: Arrow on the Doorpost.

Sadhill News

Writing Battle

The 2024 Summer NanoFiction Battle has ended, and boy did my story "The Claim" eat shit. For the first time, I didn’t receive an honorable trophy, winning only 4 out of 10 duels and ranking in the bottom 50% of participants in the Sci-Fi Western genre.

This battle saw a record 1,463 submitted stories, with an additional 467 people unable to finish or submit in time—insane numbers.

I can’t say I didn’t expect a bad result. I knew it was risky to write a low-stakes piece with very little plot in a genre likely saturated with saloons, shootouts, tumbleweeds, and cowboys ripping through the desert on robot horses. But to do this badly—fucking hell—what a spur to the groin.

But I live by the rule: go big or stay home.

So, I wrote what I wanted, knowing I’d be taking a massive risk and likely losing $18.00. Hell, by the battle’s end, 1455 writers would be joining me too. In my mind, it was worth it. It’s always worth it to go against the grain, try something new and exciting, or be different to stand out. So, I adapted a world from an unfinished story that I had begun developing for another contest but never submitted and I reused characters I thought had great chemistry.

In the end, I liked it, and so did the hundred other writers who read and commented during the debrief—they wanted more. That’s the real win in my book and how I truly gauge my success! Not ten randos with a fiery urge to push a button and move on!

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When confronting a loss there are two roads one can travel.

The easiest road is the first. Walk down that one and you’ll quickly be laying fetal weeping into a soggy pillow blaming everyone but yourself, holding grudges, writing a lengthy hit list, becoming angrier and more bitter as time goes on. You may even write a blog or forum post about it, wasting tears and allowing negativity to get the best of you, which leads to nowhere. That road makes you give up on yourself, your morals, and your poise. That road makes many writers quit writing for a while—or worse, forever.

Or, you could take the road with the roughest terrain as I did, strap yourself into that fucking saddle, and whip your horse’s ass into overdrive cause baby we’re getting to Oregon by midnight come hell or high water.

The same weekend my story bombed, I signed up for the Autumn Short Story Battle. Oh yeah, I’m a glutton. Thank you, sir, may I have another?!

I submitted a fresh story to Furious Fiction’s monthly challenge which I’m pretty stoked about; I’ve been expanding that story all month. I earned second place in Twist in the Tale’s Side Quest Challenge and won first place in a short story contest on theprose.com. Finally, and perhaps most importantly I seem to have developed a more significant friendship with a fellow writer whom I respect and was invited to a writing group.

I may have broken my diet, splurging on tons of junk food, but I bounced back by Monday.

The moral here is writers lose a lot, more often than they win. Get used to it. Stop whining and start winning or start looking at losses as opportunities rather than setbacks. Get back on that horse and whip it, whip it good, all the way to Oregon!

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Publications

It’s been a while since I’ve submitted my work and frankly, I need to grind much harder at it. How else am I going to blaze a path to glory? Or will it be slow and steady that drives me past the victory line? Regardless, as soon as I can get my shit together, I plan to focus more on submissions during the second half of this year. Maybe that’ll set me up for a strong start in 2025.

I have received one response since the last issue:

Sans. Press: Not selected for publication

The remaining Lit Mags and Journals I had submitted to have not responded yet, but let’s be honest, they’ll probably be denied too. However, there’s one I’m most excited about. I’m crossing all my fingers that Seaside Gothic falls in love with my poem “The Current.” I’d be so goddamn giddy if I got that email!

I guess we’ll see. Stay tuned!

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Upcoming Events & Contests:

2024 Autumn Short Story Battle Writing Battle: Oct 20th- Oct 27th (This marks my first anniversary with Writing Battle.

2024 Twisted Tournament # 2: Nov 11th-Nov 17th

2024 Writers Playground: Next Date Unknown (This will be my first time)

August’s Challenge Winner

Thank you, everyone, for submitting to last month's challenge. To recap, the prompt was 'The Helper, The Helpless, or Helplessness.'

Congratulations to B.S. Jennison for the win!

The winning entry is a short poem that captures the loss of a loved one to mental illness—not in body, but in mind. The sadness of a grieving daughter continuing to suffer as time carries her into middle age is poignant and heartfelt.

Photo by Engin Akyurt

A Daughter’s Absolution

By B.S. Jennison

You never said goodbye,

because you never knew you left.

I’ve always said it’s okay.

It's okay I haven't seen you

for the last twenty-seven birthdays.

It's okay I never got to share

my first womanhood moment with you.

It's okay I had to figure out

how to pick my first bra.

It's okay you weren’t

at my high school

or college graduation.

It's okay that you never

met my boyfriend

turned fiance,

now husband.

It’s okay that I never got to show you

my first house

that we spent our life savings

to purchase.

And if you don't see

our next adventure.

It's okay

because I forgive you.

I know you couldn't help it

and you’ll continue to love me

because

I remember you as you were

before your diagnosis—

and It’s okay.

Those memories

will never disappear

from my life

as you have

and that's how I know

It will be okay.

B.S. Jennison limits where her work is shown and has chosen not to share any links. I’m grateful for the opportunity she's given us to read this raw and vulnerable piece.

Hopefully, we’ll see more of her in the future.

Sadhill Writing Challenge (250 Words)

Each month I provide a Writing prompt encouraging fellow writers to stay sharp, compete in friendly competition, and challenge them to push past their creative boundaries. The winning piece will be featured in next month’s issue as well as any links the winner wants to share to promote their brand.

September Prompt: “Open Call: Any theme. Any Genre.”

Rules:

• Any style of Prose or Poetry is accepted.

• Must be two-hundred fifty (250) words or less.

• Only one (1) entry per writer per monthly contest.

• Reprints and Simultaneous Submissions are encouraged.

• This month’s deadline is 11:59 PM or by the end of Friday, October 25th, 2024 to allow time for final edits.

• You must be subscribed to The Bluebird Paradox to enter this challenge.

• Your entry does not have to include the prompt word or phrase but must have the essence of the meaning captured. Metaphor and obscurity are encouraged and finding something beautiful in the darkness is even better.

• If it is an “Open Call” all themes or genres are encouraged.

• All entries must be sent to: ChrisSadhill@gmail.com. Please use the Subject Line: Sadhill Writing Challenge (Include the Month). You may paste the story directly in the body of the email or attach a file. Please include any promotional links you would like to advertise.

• This is an opportunity to showcase your talent and work while cross-promoting your brand with mine. In the future, there may be prizes awarded, but for now, there are none. I’m poor, damnit. If you have any donations, such as books or merch you’d like to donate for promotional giveaways, email me and I will spread the word in my next issue!

• By entering, you agree for your work to be published in my MicroZine for no less than one (1) month and if chosen as the winner it will be included as content on my Substack.

• You retain all rights to your work and upon request, I’ll gladly remove it for any reason following the featured month of publication. In the event of removal, the story title and name will remain listed along with any links to your new piece’s home, if you would like.

Good Luck. See you next month!

…and don’t forget to leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.