Issue 9: The Jester's Kingdom

Acid and alligators, a blood-filled moat, and a dungeon filled with expectations.

Welcome to The Bluebird Paradox, a gritty MicroZine written by me, Chris Sadhill, that explores the coexistence of light and darkness, focusing on social issues and the human experiences we often overlook, presented through various short stories, poetry, and other creative arts.

The Bluebird pays homage to Charles Bukowski’s poem Bluebird, which delves into themes of vulnerability, repression, and the struggle to express oneself authentically.

Often, the Bluebird symbolizes hope, love, positivity, and renewal; however, throughout my life, I’ve observed the presence of darkness where there is light, leading me to believe in a paradoxical relationship between the two.

The Bluebird Paradox embraces the inherent contradictions and complexities of our existence and seeks to reveal deeper truths about society, emotions, and the human experience.

As always, thank you for being here. Please enjoy the read.

Photo by Joni Musi

February is filled with expectations—most of them are external pressures brought on by the corporate machine and its influence on society. After all, 'tis the season of candy and chocolate-scented air—a sweet perfume acting like a cog twisting in the background that triggers our biological hearts to throb.

Maybe you’re young and looking for love, hoping your soulmate circles YES on that hand-scribed love letter sealed with a kiss. Or maybe you were counting on that groundhog not seeing its shadow, sparing you six more weeks of cabin fever where you'd surely start conversations with whatever's scratching in the walls. Or possibly your New Year’s resolution is beginning to fizzle out.

Whatever your expectations were, sometimes they don’t go as planned. Disappointments hover over us like mosquitoes—waiting to suck us dry and steal tiny pieces of our souls. Once they do, they flee without consequence, leaving us emptier, more vulnerable… and itchy.

Goddamn it, they suck!

But what are they, how can we avoid them, and is there a repellent to keep these nasty buggers at bay?

Most times when I find myself upset, underwhelmed, or left yearning for more after a goal falls short, it usually ends up being my fault—though not before my immediate reaction of defensiveness (which I’m constantly working on). I often try to pass the blame for why something ends up less than perfect. After all, how could it be me? I’m the one with high standards. They’re so high that I’m often never satisfied, and only in retrospect do I start to appreciate what I’ve accomplished. My wife—the saint she is—has helped me work through this problem over the years, continuing to remind me of my successes, and always remaining patient. It’s a lifelong struggle that often resurfaces.

My motto is: In the pursuit of perfection, one will find greatness. So that’s what I strive to do. But there’s a caveat to this mindset—the high probability of failure brings constant disappointment. And this leads us to our answer.

A wise woman once told me that expectations are merely premeditated resentments. To this day, I’ve yet to prove her wrong. Trust me—I’ve tried. Thanks, Jan!

What she means is that expectations are the root of disappointment, and lowering them—especially for others—would lessen the sting.

But does that mean we have to lower ourselves, our standards, and our self-worth—essentially creating a disillusioned perspective just to avoid feeling disappointed? It sure feels like it.

I’ve tried it—with my mother, old friends, new projects, vacations, date nights with my wife, and many other things. Nothing ever seems to go as planned, and many times, I feel like I’m catering to everyone else’s needs rather than having others ascend to mine. I often ask myself: How low do I have to go to feel less disappointed?

But disappointments aren’t always bad, and high standards aren’t either—if you understand the downsides and approach everything healthfully. Finding balance is key. But never being satisfied? That’s unhealthy—so, don’t be like me.

My high expectations are probably an early response to childhood trauma that I’m constantly working through. They are one of the many undiagnosed issues I have that stemmed from them.

The key is to manage the bad with the good, and as long as you’re giving an honest effort, you’re probably safe.

The Good:

I’ve never understood why so many people are okay with mediocrity. It seems lazy—even wasteful.

Technically, mediocrity means "average" or "lacking exceptional features." But in my mind, average would be generous.

I’m not here to argue with the dictionary, but to me, mediocrity is settling for far less than one’s maximum potential—it’s well below average. I see it as basic, lazy, bottom-of-the-barrel, and a waste of resources and time. I mean, if you’re only going to half-ass it, why even get out of fucking bed, right? You get the picture.

I’d rather not start something than start it and produce shit because I didn’t feel like doing it thoroughly. I live by this. It’s probably why there are so many projects around the house that still need finishing—sorry, wifey!

But there’s a benefit to this. I mentioned it above—the idea of stumbling upon greatness in the pursuit of perfection. That can’t be a bad thing.

Picture this: A writer vows to write 2,000 words a day for their next novel. It’s likely they don’t hit their goal—which can feel majorly disappointing—and maybe they miss a few days or even half the month. That seems human. So, let’s assume that in thirty days, they only reach half their goal because of well—life. That’s 30,000 words—a first-draft novella, and a pretty decent accomplishment!

Now take that same writer, but instead, they plan to write a very approachable, more achievable 200 words a day. Admirable? Honest? Sure. It’s better than zero. And for argument’s sake, let’s assume they never miss a day. That’s a maximum output of 6,000 words.

Does having higher standards yield more disappointments? Absolutely. But who yielded five times more output?

The key here is understanding the trade-off—higher expectations bring greater disappointment. Recognizing this is vital, and proceeding with caution can go a long way in achieving your goals, especially if they seem out of reach.

The bad:

There’s a difference between high expectations and expectations that are too high. Unfortunately, there’s no black-and-white answer. Ultimately you decide what matters and how much you’re willing to endure to achieve it (healthily, of course).

The people in my life have always disappointed me—but is that their fault or mine? Did they fail, or did they not meet the unrealistic expectations I set? How were they supposed to know? And even if I clearly defined my expectations, what obligation did they have to meet them? None. Their failure, and my disappointment, are my responsibility.

Having high expectations—ones others might consider too high—is fine in my book. After all, it’s relative and subjective. But expectations become a problem when they’re so unrealistic that even we can’t meet them. That’s delusional.

It affects relationships because once resentment seeps in—and it will—a confrontation is inevitable. I’ve lost friendships, severed family ties, and watched relationships crumble under the weight of my expectations. Other than my wife, I’m practically alone. What has that gotten me, cats?

It affects confidence and self-esteem. If you’re constantly failing because you’re aiming beyond your capabilities, disappointment becomes a habit. And after a while, you go numb. You get so used to the slog of self-hate and deprecation that it makes you depressed. You may even begin asking yourself if life is even worth it.

It affects your ability to live in the moment—to enjoy the small things, to be happy with what and who is in front of you. Before you know it, the memory is gone, leaving only anger. You fixate on why that carefully planned moment didn’t unfold as expected, missing out on large portions of life in the process because it wasn’t perfect the way you dreamed it.

It affects your satisfaction with everything. You’re constantly unhappy, perhaps anxious, feeling out of control, and trapped in a vicious cycle of overcorrection. Unrealistic expectations build on top of your previous failures, and the frustration spills over onto everyone around you. It never ends.

Is it worth it? No! Trust me. I speak from experience.

In conclusion, one should evaluate their life and their approach to self-improvement. By setting healthy expectations and managing the pursuit of their goals, they can achieve far more than they would without higher expectations.

But always remember what Jan said—expectations are merely premeditated resentments, and sometimes, things don’t go as planned. Expect to be disappointed.

---

This month’s theme is inspired by a piece I wrote in 2023 titled Bastion. I’ve forgotten the original writing prompt, but it began as a reflective narrative or prose poem. After several revisions, I restructured it into a more contemporary poem to create a fragmented, poetic feel—where line breaks and stanzas enhance both the imagery and the emotional pace. As a result, it may feel a little different from some of my other pieces.

I hesitated to share this piece because to outsiders it might seem strange to dwell on an emotion for so long, especially something that seems so trivial in comparison to actual worldly problems, but after reflecting, I realized there’s a deeper reason why this piece and the memory associated, is meaningful to me—and why it still lingers. Its relatability and the multiple themes within outweigh my embarrassment, and thus, I decided it must be shared.

This piece revisits a time in my life that was difficult, confusing, and filled with back-to-back disappointments in a short span. However, I do believe these disappointments, unlike the ones I mentioned earlier, were not of my own making, but rather expectations that would be considered fairly reasonable for the average—or any normal—high school senior. I know that’s vague, so let’s just say home life wasn’t great, and my only escape—playing football—was cut short by a season-ending injury. As trivial as it may seem, asking out a girl I liked was my light at the end of a dark and lonely tunnel.

Her answer ignited my creative journey. It was the catalyst for the true beginning of my writing path, as well as one of the first major disappointments I earned by putting myself out there and daring to have expectations—a stark contrast to my life at the time.

If there were a ground zero—it would be her.

Please enjoy.

Bastion

I exposed my soul
to a page for the first time
after a girl rejected me in high school.

I opened the portcullis of my fortress to her,
only to be told I couldn’t be her king—
and I wouldn’t be her knight either.
She did, however, entertain court jester.

I found myself picking up pieces of my heart
from the cobblestone
after she catapulted my towers with repudiation—
my perimeter crumbling on all fronts.
My ego was decapitated in one abrupt swing,
its head brutally affixed to a hundred-foot stake
for the world to see—
making a mockery of a young man’s attempt at love.

But I rebuilt.

I used my spilled blood
to build a moat around my kingdom,
filled it with acid and alligators,
then sewed my scars onto banners
to be hung as heraldry on the exterior walls.
I plastered her image into the joints,
knowing it would harden stronger than mortar,
then withdrew my bridge—
thwarting all newcomers for years to come.

The only map leading back to the kingdom
was drawn in a notebook,
lost on a single page,
and signed with a tear—
left in a cold, dark dungeon below the city streets,
with no key to enter or candle to illuminate the paper.

The words broke through my doors,
took my spirit hostage,
and forced me to write it out—
until I heeled.

Then I healed.


© 2023 Chris Sadhill

Sadhill’s Music Minute

Kingdom Fall by Claire Wyndham is a beautiful ballad featuring an intense voice, accompanied by simple yet powerful instrumentals that enhance the rising tension and build toward an inevitable confrontation.

There’s a perceptible struggle between external forces and internal conflict, where one feels compelled to stand firm on their morals while remaining resolute in upholding expectations. The lyrics in the chorus confirm this: “I’d rather watch my kingdom fall,” a direct response to the unknown force challenging her resilience.

While the context is unclear, the outside force—perhaps a loved one—seems to be asking Claire to lower her standards or sacrifice something important, such as love. Yet, she remains unwilling to budge, and her voice captures this rising tension beautifully.

The lyrics explore the weight of expectations, the intensity of desire, and what one is willing to relinquish to achieve it. “I want it all, or nothing at all” suggests an ultimatum, reflecting the high expectations one may hold—where settling for less isn’t an option.

This struggle also confronts the reality that strength can be both a shield and a prison, highlighting the emotional toll of meeting such demands and questioning whether true freedom lies in resistance or surrender. Her resilience weighs on her. Her voice quivers beneath that weight.

This song has emotion, gorgeous vocals, and moving melodies, creating a powerful statement and an unforgettable experience.

"Kingdom Fall" was featured on the TV shows Reign (S4 E9, 2013), The Royals (S2 E5, 2015), and Guilt (S1 E4, 2016).

Sadhill News

Writers Playground:

Well, my part is done. It’s over. Now, all I can do is cross my fingers and wait. I’ve written and submitted my short story, Snowball, to the 10th Writer’s Playground and received confirmation that they have it. Yikes!

Based on the number of participants (716), they estimate it’ll take roughly 12 weeks to get my results and feedback. Basically by the end of April. This wasn’t my first time writing for a professionally judged contest, but like the others, I overestimated many things—my abilities, approach, story concept, and essentially everything else. So, if I do horribly, it’s definietly my fault.

I approached Snowball similar to peer-judged contests like Writing Battle or Twisted Tournament. I spent little time reviewing the rules, past winning stories or understanding my audience—the pro judges. A good strategy would have been to consider these things, but I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to write.

Mainly because this year, I vowed to write what I wanted and refused to focus on pleasing the judges. My attitude was: if I win, I win. As long as I’m writing what I want, that’s all that matters.

But then my writing friend, RP Mickler from Black Anvil Books, brought up some valuable points while beta-reading my story. He helped me realize that, even though I don’t care about the judges, I should care about form and craft regardless. And don’t get me wrong—I do.

In retrospect, I think my focus has been slacking in recent months. I realize now I’ve been cutting myself short—not by refusing to pander to judges, but by letting the momentum with my career and craft stall. Let’s be honest—the craft of writing may never be mastered. So, slacking off is a real problem in a world where I want to be taken seriously.

RP did a phenomenal job beta-reading my story. He also gave sound advice on how to approach the contest, vet the judges, and improve my grammar (which I desperately needed help with). After speaking with him, I walked away inspired to try harder—to be more serious about the writing craft, take a critical look at my writing career, and prioritize the basics: grammar, story structure, and form. Not just style.

For those who don’t know, RP offers an "On Writing" page on his website, which I believe is ever-growing. He knows his shit. I encourage everyone to check it out, soak up his knowledge, and learn something new, or at least freshen up on something old to stay sharp! Since I wrote Snowball, I’ve read nearly all of his lessons, but there are a few I still plan to read before spring. If you’re looking to follow his work, you can find him on Facebook or Instagram @blackanvilbooks or visit his website at www.black-anvil-books.com.

Thanks, RP!

For the short story contests, I’m mostly a pantser, relying on only a briefly imagined outline. I often write in a stream-of-consciousness or flow state to develop my plot. I don’t plan too much, which—if you know me outside of writing—is astonishing because I plan everything!

But that doesn’t mean I can’t write with intention in every word. This year, I plan to write more deliberately and deepen my understanding of the craft. After all, I chose this path—why not walk tall while doing it.

Out of the ten days to wrote for Writer’s Playground, I probably wrote seriously on four of them, mostly because I couldn’t connect with any of the story ideas I came up with, and secondly, because of work. Luckily (if you call it luck), I had scheduled Saturday off in advance since my car was stuck in the shop. I wouldn’t recommend spending $1,600 on car repairs just for the sake of a writing competition—that’s not a great business strategy—but it worked out in this case because I did a lot of writing that day. Trust me, I needed it. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have finished.

My first draft was just over 4,200 words, but after seven rounds of revisions, I cut it down to just under 3,100 words—meeting WP’s grace limit.

If you’ve read Ashtray, this story may feel slightly familiar, as the prompts I chose allowed me to explore that world and its characters again. The story requirements were to select one of five characters and one of five settings, and I had to include “a well.” Genre, theme, and other elements were entirely up to me.

PROMPTS:

Characters:

1. A hunter

2. Someone who feels like the black sheep of their family

3. A journalist

4. A taxidermist

5. Someone who used to be rich and lost their wealth

Settings:

1. A snow day (can take place anywhere as long as a character’s work or school is canceled/closed because of snow)

2. Argentina

3. A renaissance festival

4. A cemetery

5. A tavern that also rents out a few rooms.

The Thing (Must Be Included):

1. A well

The Prompt(s) I picked: I thought it may be an interesting strategy to overlap or layer the prompts so that it guarantees that the judges see the prompt inclusion, but also to make the story and the characters more dynamic. I hope it catches the eyes of a few judges.

Genre: Drama, Suspense, Horror (All my choice)

Character: A Taxidermist (Primary), Black Sheep (Secondary)

Setting: A Snow Day (Primary), Cemetary (Secondary)

Thing: A Well (Two forms of well included)

I'm not sure when I can share it, but stay tuned. I'll keep you updated on the progress.

Writing Battle:

In the blink of an eye, it’s all over. I've written and submitted my flash fiction piece—but not without a ton of stress. As always.

I would've loved an extra day to tighten up my story. Over three grueling days, I wrote nearly three different versions—all set in the same world with the same characters—each refining the plot, pacing, and overall narrative.

That said, I’m not sure how much better my story would've been with the extra time. I was so locked into my world and concept that it probably wouldn’t have made much difference. By day two, I should've started fresh with an entirely new idea. But I didn’t.

And if I’m looking for another excuse for why this story might not fare well—the Super Bowl. Being an Eagles fan and a good husband, there was strong pressure to go out and watch the big game, which cut into my editing time. It’s my fault, but damn it, it sucked. I even found two misspelled words after I submitted—because I was editing in a bar without Grammarly (a Writing Battle first for me).

The Short Breakdown:

I originally got Time-Travel Romance, but by Friday morning, I noped out and switched to Aliens!

Most of the time writing this, I felt like an amateur. My story lacked a plot until the end, was unbalanced, unclear, and had confusing sections during the first two days. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I regressing? I kept about 30% of my original idea but changed everything else—twice!

By Sundays, I’m usually refining a fairly solid piece. But this time? Nope—still a first draft late into the afternoon. I had to trust my instincts and the feedback from beta readers, so I kept going until my self-imposed cut-off at 5:45 PM.

Shoutout to Gailen Gower, Kitty Heron, and Ben Daggers—I’m incredibly grateful they pointed out the lack of plot and antagonist early on. My story may not be great, but it was certainly worse before they took a peek.

At 5:45 PM sharp, I hit the road—destination: a bar filled with screaming fans and blaring speakers. But I still brought my tablet and keyboard, squeezing in more writing and revisions.

At first, Aliens! seemed like a wide-open genre—and I still think it was—but I struggled with this one. I truly thought my idea was solid (and still do), but it probably works better at short story length, not flash, where I have a little more room to work on the psychological aspects I wanted to develop.

Time will tell. I’m not holding my breath on this one. If I get out of the house, that’s a win in itself.

Next up: I’ll be reading and voting on ten other stories from different categories. Results drop by mid-March.

Stay tuned—and wish me luck!

---

Publications

I finally received a response from Apex Magazine—my short story The Roach and the Butterfly was rejected.

I also entered my flash piece Canary into their monthly flash contest—another big, fat rejection. What a bummer.

After this Writing Battle, I’ll be looking for better homes for many of my stories and poems, which is part of why I’m slowing down on contests. Expect plenty of rejections soon—hopefully, with the occasional acceptance.

---

Upcoming Events & Contests:

2025 Pro Spring Wonder Flash Fiction Writing Battle: Apr 13th-20th (Maybe)

2025 Pro Autumn Fear Flash Fiction Writing Battle: Oct 5th- Oct 12th

2025 Peer Autumn Writing Battle: Oct 26th- Nov 2nd

She Left Him Series—News

Each month, I’ll update my progress, share parts of my process when possible, and use this space to stay accountable—both to you and, more importantly, to myself.

The Update:

I’ve cleared my schedule to focus on writing this book and plan to begin world-building and character development around the week of March 2nd, or as the Winter Writing Battle comes to an end.

For a few weeks now, I’ve been considering concepts to establish a Blade Runner-inspired world with plenty of vintage overlaps. I’m excited about the possibilities and feel I’ve got a solid setting to move forward with.

Honestly, that’s it. There’s not much to report until I dedicate more time to it.

---

If you’re interested in joining my beta reader team, drop a comment, find me on social media @ChrisSadhill, email me at ChrisSadhill@gmail.com, or apply on my Beta Readers page at www.ChrisSadhill.com—I’ll consider adding you to the list.

Now, together, let’s write this fucking book!

Thank you for your support!

…and please leave a comment. I love hearing from you.